When Hetalia gets real- and comes out of my toilet
by Jean Kirkland-Hetalian
Summary: IF YOU'RE READING THIS THEN IT'S TOO LATE! The 2ps are coming to invade our world and is going to leave no trace of our existence. The only hope is for you to help us get the 1ps back to their original world and kick some nation's butt. But they can't do that.. unless three friends are able to find the Missing personification of Philippines.
1. The Start

**It was a dark room..**

"Can someone actually open ze lights?" wailed a French accented voice

"Shut up you bloody frog!" spat another voice "I can't even feel my eyebrows"

"A-Aru!? Is that what I've been touching?!" yelped another voice

"One way to find out,da?" laughed a fourth voice "What did it felt like,da?"

"Like a caterpillar" timidly answered the third voice "You okay there, aru?"

No one replied.

"CAN'T WE AT LEAST SHOOT THE DOOR TO OPEN?!" suggested another voice "I, as the hero, is sure to have a revolver here somewhere-"

"We're not gonna alert those _things_ with your stupidity, America" replied the second voice with the eyebrows. "China..Go and see if he's fine"

"KIKU!?" yelled China as he endlessly shook Japan's body "Kiku, answer me, aru! Kiku!"

"V-Ve?! What's wrong with Japan?" asked another voice. He knelt beside Japan and China and touched the forehead of Kiku. It was soaked in sweat and there was a huge cut across his face. It was releasing a metallic liquid. It was blood. "H-How-"

"He is suffering from the earlier wounds" cut in Germany who was now ripping strips of fabric from his military coat. He encircled Japan's head and damped a cool towel. "That'll do for now.."

"Ugh.." groaned Japan.

'Hey!" observed America "He's regaining consciousness!"

"Gomene..Maria..."

"Or not.." whispered Canada. "S-Someones coming here!"

"PIPE DOWN EVERY BODY!" ordered England who cupped his ears against the door . His expression turned grim_. (This is bad) _he thought

* * *

_"Where are they!?" _snapped the voice outside the room.

It was hard and very cold. It gave Russia a complete chill as he gripped his axe with every word.

"_T-They escaped po.." _stuttered a small child's voice.

England peeked through the small keyhole and found a young boy in full military gear, that was loosened on his bandaged shoulder, with curly brown hair and green pale eyes filled with tears. He looked very much like Spain but the difference was tattoo on the child's body. Huge black patterns surrounded his upper chin and three black dots below his right eye. His arms were covered in black octopus like arms and grey flowers at the point of his elbow. He carried a rattan stick and was walking barefooted.

(_Juan!? Is that you?!_) thought-speak England who recognized the red bandana on his neck.

The boy knelt in front of the man, covering the keyhole.(**There's a small hidden door behind the wall...Tell Russia to bang it with his axe**)

(_A-Alright.._) replied England who looked at Russia and told the instructions.

"Da.." answered Russia as with one soundless bang, cracked the concrete wall and revealed an iron-gate. It was a feet of stairs going down in circle. "It's open" He smiled to England "what's next?"

(**Get out of here **) thought-speak Juan as loud as he can to England (**He doesn't want you alive I swear**)

(_Come with us _) urged England as he lead others to the small door. (_We still have time!_)

"_ESCAPED?!" _croaked the hooded man "_I should've killed them when I had the chance!" _

"_P-Please! Just stop this! They've done nothing to hurt you!_" begged Juan who was clutching the man's black robes. He quickly gave the door a glare and turned back to the man.

(**I'm not leaving Kuya Pepe alone in this battle!**) he replied (**I already lost so many friends... Dear friends and my de-**)**  
**

"_Enough of this nonsense!_" the man slapped Juan in the face. Juan's body came crashing to the other side and he puke out blood.

(_JUAN, YOU HAVE TO COME WITH US!) _begged England once more (_Only you know where Maria is! JUAN!)_

(**Actually, three people will know where Maria** **is..**) puked Juan while trying to stand (** They'll be your guides so tell France not to harass them..**)

The hooded man took out a pistol and aimed it for Juan's scared eyes._"Do you really want to meet your Ate sooo early?" _he sarcastically asked.

_"Yes..."_ Juan smiled sadly. He touched the heel of his rattan stick and his eyes flared with anger.

(JUAN! NO!)

(**Tell them I said 'Hi'..**)

He smacked the hooded-man's face and leveled his weapon to his eyes. "_VIVA LA VISAYAS!"_

_**BANG! BANG!**_

* * *

"What was that?" asked Italy while carrying the half of Japan's body. "I just heard two bullets.."_  
_

"Forget about it." replied Germany who carried the other weight of Japan's body. "Just keep moving"

"Ve..yes sir" answered Italy. He turned his head around and saw England shaken with fear with America carrying his shoulder. (_I wonder what he saw..)_

"Hey.." warned Russia " Did you hear that noise,da?"

Canada's head moved back and forth. "What noise?"

He kept walking down the seem never ending stairs and touched the wall.

_SWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! GLUB! GLUB! TROO-GLOOP!_

"Kya!" Canada screamed and ran beside France who took out his sword. His nose wrinkled and held Canada back.

"Ze smell is worse than England's cooking.." he commented

"Just like last thanksgivings' toxicated turkey" agreed America who was rushing towards the wall. "But the noise...is that -"

"A toilet bowl?"

* * *

**GAAAH! I HATE MYSELF! -throws notes out of the window- WAIT-WHAT! NOOOOO!**

**(England was passing by and saw the notebook fall out of the sky)  
**

England: ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT MY CULINARY EXPERIENCE IS FAKE?!

**Uhh...maybe?**

Pepe: That's a yes you Brit**  
**

England:...

Juan: yes!

England: IT WASN'T MY FAULT THAT AMERICA SET THE COUNTER WITH RADIOACTIVE SALT ON LAST YEAR'S THANKSGIVING !

**Radioactive...salt? -sigh-**

**(A perverted aura stole the notebook) _honhonhonohon~_  
**

**GAAAAAH! FRANCE!_  
_**France: Are the three people.. all girls then?

**If I say 'yes' will you NOT go and flirt with them?**

France: -In all his sparkling glory took out a rose and kissed my hand- What made you say that, Mon Cherie?~

**Iggy...**

England: Yes?

**I take back what I've said about your cooking. So please be of goodhearted to cook(beat) -the crap out of this frenchman**

England: With pleasure! (Wears an apron with the words: KEEP CALM AND KISS THE BRIT)

France: NOOOO!

England: COME BACK HERE YOU FROG! -throws a large piece of burned scone-

**(America gets hold of the notebook)  
**America: SWEET! A TOILET BOWL!

**HOW'D YOU GET IN MY HOUSE!? **

**~Reviews are much requested!~  
**


	2. Before anything else

_Before continuing the story, the author would very much want for the reader to agree to the terms and conditions we have set-up._

_-Capital R_

* * *

**The terms and conditions** :

This is NOT a journal of 7 separated people ( 3 capitals, a regional manager, a provincial-head and one hawt nation)

You will NOT sees a white ice cream ball walking towards your kitchen's refrigerator and opened himself a cheese-flavored _Dorito _and some pickles

You will NOT discover that there are hot men that are already more than 3000 years old ( much older than your grandmother will ever be) but looks like a regular teenager

You will NOT talk to an albino notebook and said that his yellow chick is cute

You will NOT take pictures of the world map and start spacing out on history class

You will NOT try to fly out of your school building

You will NOT go and find the personification of Philippines

You will NOT answer and questions of a black-suited guy that smells like cow manure

You will NEVER speak of this

You will NOT transfer to our school just to seat next to France

You will NOT go and make ero traps around your house just to get Germany

You will NOT make a fanfiction about this

When someone does asks you about what you know about this journal or Philippines, please say the ff. excuses:

Yeah, right and I'm like Spain  
I have no idea what you're talking about

Uhh.. sorry, the number you dial cannot be reached

Who are you?

Want some fries?

I have to go and get the lasagna out of my doctor's locker

Please also do the ff. when you are still being bothered by that dude:

GO and run away

Change your name to 'Bob Planner"

Hide behind your Principal's desk

Cover your self in cheese

Load yourself with twenty packs of tomato

Shut your eyes and don't bother to answer at all

I,(Your_name), do hereby agree with the terms and conditions set-up by Capital R and that I won't go around the school screaming that a country could be soooooooooo hot!

You Printed name & signature

*Naturally I'd tell you to sign this in your blood but Matthias recently discovered that banana ketchup works fine!

-_Capital R_

p.s-You're ready

* * *

**WHY'D YOU PUT THAT ON THE SECOND CHAPTER!? IDIOT! WHY I YADDA-!  
**

C.R: Dunno.. they needed to know that! Please don't kill meh! Come on dude! Help me

England: Sure why n-

(**Sharpens a bolo)**

England: ...You stole that from Pepe?

**Yes I did, anything else to add?**

England: -pats Capital R's back- you're on your own.. BYE!

C.R: SCREW YOU ENGLAND! -throws the notebook-

Juan: -looks at terms and conditions- What's ero, Kuya Pepe?

Pepe: O/o -glares at America- oi, damn Foreigner

America:Huh?

Pepe:Y-You answer his question! I'm gonna go and get some puto

America:...

Juan:What's ero?

America: WHAT A QUESTION YOU HAVE THERE LITTLE JUAN! THAT'S WELL-HARD TO EXPLAIN..IT'S UMM...-YO IGGY!

-pushes England in front of Juan-

England: What's wrong?

Juan: What's ero, Kuya England?

**(A wild France appears) _honhonhonhon~_**

**__**England: WHY ARE YOU HERE YOU FROG?!

France: To teach Mon Cherie the proper meaning of er- ACK!

-A highly over protective Boss Spain appears with an axe and a girl with black glasses-

Spain: WHat were you saying to mi hijo, Amigo? -smiles evilly-

France: n-nothing! what are you talking about! honhonhon!  
Spain:...nice try.. -stretches duct tape- get the scissors Cynne.

Cynne: WITH PLEASURE! huh.. Capital R? Jean? You're early!

**And you're late! Gosh, what's up with you and Spanish people?**

Cynne: tehe, nothing! Imma go and finish '_Drunken love_' before that douche bag comes. Wanna look at the spoilers Capital R?

Capital R: -Goes out of the bathroom- SURE!

**WAIT! WASN'T ENGLAND ALSO INSIDE THAT COMFORT ROOM!?  
**

****England suddenly runs out with a tissue paper in his pants: CHEERIO!

Capital R: uhh.. Bye?_  
_

**RUN WHILE YOU CAN YOU BRIT!**


	3. An Ordinary Wednesday

**Okay! Cynne! You're up!**

Cynne:WA-WAIT! WHY ME?!

C.R: Well, that's a punishment for being late...

Japan: T-That's true, Cynne-san

Cynne: FUUUUUUUUUUUU! Even you Japan!

**(_A idiot comes out of the pile of laundry..._)**

Matthias: Hey, I just found Juan's missing soc-

C.R:GAAH!..

Matthias: Yo!

**PERVERT!**

Matthias: Did you know that your name spells the toile-

Cynne: DOUCHE! YOU'RE FUCKING LATE! -karate chops his back-

**Ouch**

Matthias: HEY! IT WASN'T MY PROBLEM THAT ITALY HAD TO PEE ON THE-

**PEE?.. on what ?**

Matthias: umm... I mean he had to go-

C.R : TO WHERE?!

Matthias: uhhh... Jean's sisters bedroom's rug...

Cynne:... You mean like her _young _sister? -gulps-

Matthias: Yeah.

**Shit.. (She's gonna kill me)**** why don't you just go ahead? You're the last one after all  
**

Cynne: SAVE BY HIS DOUCHNESS!**  
**

C.R: aww! Come here and Cheer him, Ukraine!

**WAIT-WHA?!**

Matthias: Screw this journal

* * *

**Matthias' Introduction:**

If anything goes wrong with the grammar or something, please don't hesitate to correct me. Or that if I'm boring you to death.. Especially on this matter. If Capital R( I wonder why she's named like that ) gave you a list of what not to do. I'll give you somethings to do onward.

First of all, this story is dangerous.

And no it's not those kind of books that explodes in your face like ACME defectives. It's these creepy stories that once you've read, you'll beg for more. If nothing comes, you'd make your own researches then decide to what happens next. You'd beg for the writer for updates and try to bribe them. (I'll be honest with you if it's a chocolate fudge sundae)

[_DON'T POKE ME CYNNE! I'M WRITING HERE!_]

Matthias isn't my real name... I have to hide it and even where I live in. I'm live the rest of my 365 days like some James Bond. I'm one of the capitals in search of the personification of Philippines...

ANd if you're not backing out then read on... before it's too late.

* * *

_**It was a Wednesday... a fine, fantastic, peaceful-**  
_

"Jackass! give me my Lunchbox!" screamed a kid who was trying to grab a senior's arm.

The senior simply smirked and his gang laughed on the poor guy. _Typical_

"I'll give this to you if you could reach it!"

"Fuck you!"

"_Are you even sure he's a kid?_"

"He's autistic remember?"

"Oh.. and I thought he was an alien.."

"_i think he is a tyianak.._"

"By the Gods he is just stupid"

**_OKay, forget anything about the peaceful part..._**

_**Nothing new.. except for another school fight.. about some kid's sesame seed lunch box..**  
_

"Okay.." I yawned over the shoulder of Cynne "What's the story this time?" I took a huge gulp with a my C2 and stared.

"As far as Luis is shouting at.. it's all about Cjan stealing Ethan's big bird lunch box" answered Capital R who was reading another _Nancy Drew _mystery novel. "I'm betting Sr. Del is gonna lecture all of us tomorrow about anti-bullying."

"And you think that'll help!" exclaimed Cynne.

"No.." answered Capital R flatly. "I just remembered that we have a quiz on Math today.." she turned her head towards our senpai with dark glasses over her pointy nose. "Could you teach me polynomials, Kiann?"

Her black eyes twinkled with delight. "Of course~"

"Yo douche, can I copy last week's homework?" poked Cynne. " I forgot to copy it"

"And you said tha-"

"GIVE ME MY LUNCHBOX BACK!" screamed Ethan who gave Cjan a head-attack. He kicked him in the shin and stumped on the senior's gangs' feet.

_Pretty tough for a kid _I thought as I hand Cynne our English homework.

"Shit!" screamed Cjan as he rubbed his swelling forehead. "I'll show you what happens when you mess with us."

"Hey.." whispered Kiann to Cynne " Shouldn't we go and stop them?

"WhaT?" asked Cynne absentmindedly, writing the questions with lightning speed.

I drank more C2 and stared more at the scene. _oh crap..._

(_Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ~eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)_

"Oi, Capital R," I said shakily "..you're the officer: do something about it"

"Busy.." murmured Capital R

"With what?"

"Chapter 15..climax.. Nancy solv-" Capital

"I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!" yelled Ethan.

He _did _kick Cjan one more time before another senior took Ethan by his collar.

"Any last words kid?"

_(Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ~eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)_

**"Put him down Mr. Lim"** said a new voice.

A lightly tanned man in a green polo ( Teacher's uniform) came into the scene with his arms crossed.

"I won't ask you a second time Mr. Lim.. put the boy down" he spat with his dirty brown eyes glaring at Cjan.

"Who on earth is that?" I asked. I held upon my pockets and clenched my uneaten garlic bread.

Capital R shrugged as she took a breath before finishing the last sentence. "The new history teacher."

"Sir Dela Cruz.." smiled Kiann.

"Hope his much better than last year's " commented Cynne before handing my notebook back. She looked at me with her black annoyed eyes and stared more. "You okay?"

"NO-pe..!" I admitted as sweat trickled down my face. I stared a very familiar signage. _Oh crap this.._

_(Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee~eeeeeeeeee)  
_

"S-Sorry Sir.." snickered Cjan "It won't happen again.."

"Oh it better not happen again." snapped the teacher. He grabbed the lunchbox and handed it to Ethan. "Run along"

"Sir~.." thanked Ethan as he walked away. The teacher smiled and waved. He suddenly turned to our direction and I felt his eyes grazing on us. Or was it just me?

(_Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)_

Okay it was just me..

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE TOILET!"

* * *

**_( Please go and find her...)_  
**

Juan's bloody body lay across the floor and his rattan stick stained in blood. His once happy green eyes are now blanks of unshed tears. His uniform is shredded into bits and his limbs all bruised chest was oozing thick crimson liquid from two holes. The swirling black tattoo patterns in his body was glowing red.

_The color of blood_

"_Pitiful nation.._" laughed the hooded man who poked Juan's body with a huge metallic scythe. His voice was glass cold and tingling with absolute pride. He watched as the last tears of the nation come out. Something he absolutely wanted.

_**(Please go and find her...)**_

"_Where ever you are.. I will find you.. I will skin you... I will burn your soul in the crisps of hell... just like your brother..." _he laughed once more as he aimed his scythe at Juan's heart.

"And _You're_ going to be next.."

* * *

**The last part part gave me the creeps..**

**O_O**

England: And you say my cooking gave you the bites.

C.R: Aw...Poor Iggy

Matthias: Why was my journal cut?

Cynne: WOULD ANYONE LISTEN TO HOW LONG YOU PEED?!

Matthias: Umm..

_**(A wild France appear again) HOnohonhonhohn!~**_

France: I would

England: SHUT UP YOU BLOODY FROG!

**~Reviews are much wanted~**


	4. Hetalia

**_KNOCK! BANG! FLUSH! _**

"A toilet bowl!?" stuttered Canada. He hugged Kumajirou tighter and touched the cold metal wall. "We're trapped. It's a dead en-"

"IT'S A FUCKING TOILET BOWL, DANADA!" repeated America. "WE'RE TRAPPED AND IT'S A FUCKING DEAD END!"

"I just said that, Alfred." sighed Canada. "And it's Canada.."

"WHO!?" yelled America.

"CA-NA-oh forget it.." facepalmed Matthew.

"Cheer up, Mon Petite~" patted France as he also touched the metal wall. He walked sideways feeling every single bolt in the wall.

_"Zhis isn't_ _right._.." France thought "_ Z__his wall is-"_

"It's bloody fake." completed England who was still pale as ever. He rubbed his chin and observed it cautiously. "What on earth is-"

_"PUB-PUB TO GO! *HICCUPS* FISH AND THE CHIPS! I HATE THOSE BLOODY THINGS! A CURSE IS ON YOUR WAY AND UM- YO PEPE! WHAT'S THEE NEXT LINE!?_

SCREW YOU FOREIGNER YOU'RE DRUNK!

_OH RIGHT! GATHER , EVERYON! -UNICORNS! PIXIES! *HICCUPS* WITH THE PANJANDRU- FALLA! LA! LA! LA! LA-DUM-_

FOREIGNER I'M GIVING YOU ONE MINUTE TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE OR I WILL GET MY BOLO!

_RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"_

_**BANG! BANG! BANG! FLUSH!**_

_"Was that England's singing during last year's party?"_ thought Germany.

"DOITSU IT STINKS!" commented Italy. He heard Japan groan so decided to stop walking. "Kiku? You want to rest, Ve?"

"Please don't stop.." croaked Japan. "I-I can still wal-"

"Nonsense" cut in Germany. "We will take a rest if it is necessary."

"But-"

"NO buts, ve!" cried Italy. He gripped Japan's shoulder and gave him a wry smile. "Just rest, okay, ve?"

"Don't worry, aru" comforted China. "We'll be with you."

"C-China!?" blushed Japan.

"He does mean it well, da?" smiled Russia.

Japan sighed in defeat and carefully sat beside Italy. "O..Okay"

_**RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!**_

"What was that?!" laughed America.

"I think that was last year's x-mas party on Mindanao's place.." whispered Canada.

"Of all zhe ringtones you can find!" teased France.

England smiled awkwardly with the acknowledgement and took out his slender silver phone.

"Hey, it's _my _phone." he said mildly. "Plus, _she _was the one who recorded it for me"

"Even though she knew you'd be _magically _transformed to the Britannia angel with one shot." giggled America

"Just anzwer it already!" smiled France.

**CLICK **

"H-Hello?"

_**[Hola?!] greeted a voice [ Are all of you still alive?]**_

* * *

_**It was another room..but the same war.**_

"Are they there?! Goddamn it tell me what's going on there!" screamed Romano.

"Patience now mi hijo.." soothed Spain.

"FUCK YOU!"

[Antonio!? You there?] England's voice crackled through the phone. [Who else is with you?]

"The Awesome one is here!" Prussia's voice boomed. "Is West harmed or what?"

[I'm just fine here bruder] replied Germany.[How'd you get out of that barrier?!]

"Easy!" grinned Prussia on the phone "We used Poland's bulldozer but the others couldn't get out cause we ran out of time."

[So who are you _with?!] _emphasized England.

"I'm here with Ms. Belarus and Ms. Ukraine.." said a voice while trying to secure the room's door.

[Yo, Lithaunia!] cut America in. [Nice to see you're alive!]

"You mean _hear _right?" laughed Lithuania.

[**Lithuania..**] echoed a voice.

"I should have shivered to death when I heard you.." laughed Lithuania shakily. " No matter.."

[**I****s she there?**]

"Hold on.." Lithuania gestured for Ukraine to come near the phone.

Ukraine stepped out of the dark wearing a heavy black winter coat with some of its parts torn apart badly and bandage sticking out. Ukraine's lovable blue eyes were filled with tears.

"Russia-chan?!" she cried.

[Onee-chan!] puffed Russia. [How are you, da?!]

"Russia-chan.." she sniffed happily. "Da, we're fine here. Thanks to Mr. Lithuania!"

"It was nothing." blushed Lithuania "ACk!" Belarus came beside Lithuania and bend his fingers the other way.

"You said it was nothing.." Belarus commented.

[Belarus!] said Russia [How are you, da?!]

Before Belarus could even speak another noise was heard outside.

Spain's eyes gleamed in his well-sharpened ax "_Aba, son hoy temprano._"_  
_

"Shit.." Romano took out his sniper. Ukraine's eyes shot with anger and grabbed her sharp-pointed pitchfork.

[What was that?!] asked Russia.

"It was another bomb siren." answered Lithuania while lighting a match. "A siren of our deaths.."

* * *

FACEBOOK CHAT CONVERSATION 2 HOURS AGO

Cynne: Please tell me you're not busy?

Sasaki: XD

Cynne: TT_TT so you are busy

Sasaki: XDDDD College duties are on my ass and i'll hear you out if it's a good story

Cynne: BUT YOU'VE BEEN BUSY LIKE 24/7 and you're like one of my best facebook buddies!

Sasaki: Aww- it seems it was like three months ago that i accepted your friend request

Cynne: Shut it.. so do you want to hear it or not?

Sasaki: go

Cynne: we got a new history teacher

Sasaki: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL YEAR?! O_O NO WAY!

Cynne: Yes way, and then Matthias had to pee coz he drank to much C2 XD

Sasaki: Poor guy XDD

Cynne: yeah but i don't really care XD

Sasaki: Cool, hey can you do me a favor? i've this new anime but i can't watch it

Cynne: because of college? -_-

Sasaki: Yeah XDD will you?

Cynne: -sigh- okay! okay! so what's the title?

Sasaki: Hetalia

* * *

**WAH! SO LONG SINCE AN UPDATE!**

**I'M REALLY SORRY! (I just took my exams and i was being flooded by projects and naggings of my teachers XDD)**

Pepe: And you have the guts to show up here!

Juan: Welcome back _Ate!_

**FEELS GREAT TO BE HETALIAN AGAIN!**


End file.
